What LinkedIn Posts Would Say If They Were Honest
What it says
After three years, today is my last day at BIG Corp. I’m excited for what the next chapter will bring!
I’m so thankful to my BIG colleagues who have made this experience such a positive one and taught me so much about the customer experience. I’ve learned so much from each and every one of you.
I’ll be looking for a new position in CX in the coming weeks, so please reach out with any leads!
What it means
My employer terminated three dozen people, including me, with no notice. Something about a reorganization. I was not given any severance, so I will conceal my rage with an exclamation point!
It’s a mystery why I was let go and not Alan, who everyone knows follows the unpaid interns on TikTok. Lynn stayed too, so did Brianna, and Brian. Again, a mystery. I’ll say a few nice but vague things about my coworkers who have made my life absolutely bananas in case they consider sending me any job leads. I would rather drown than work with them again.
What it says
I’ll be in Chicago next week for Corporate Fest! Looking forward to sharing insights and insights with my fellow #salesgeeks. Let me know if you’re going to be there!
What it means
I’m finally getting out of the house! Too bad it’s to go to Chicago in March. Please, somebody, anybody who can talk about something other than work, message me so we can drink well tequila in the lobby of the Sofitel.
What it says
This morning as I helped my daughter get ready for school, she looked up at me and said, “Daddy, why are you helping me get ready for kindergarten, isn’t that a woman’s job?”
I was heartbroken. Our society needs to do a better job of modeling behavior for all young women. I want her to grow up knowing that she made me miserable in the mornings too, not just her mom. Wrestling a six-year-old into a winter coat while she shrieks, my socks are crooked on my toes! is a privilege for any parent, no matter their gender.
“Getting ready for kindergarten is a job for everyone,” I told her.
What it means
I’m a working dad who read a HubSpot article that said I need to post on LinkedIn two to five times per week, then I Googled “LinkedIn post templates.” I’ve been told it’s cool to be a working dad—gender equality and all that. Maybe now everyone will notice what a good working dad I am. Did I mention I’m a working dad?
What it says
Today marks my final day at Stuff, Inc. It’s been a wild five years, but I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world! The skills I’ve built and the colleagues I’ve learned from have made every minute worth it.
I’m eager to share where my journey will take me . . . but I’ll be spending the next two weeks resetting and recharging and making space for myself, apart from work. We 👏 Are 👏 More 👏 Than 👏 Our 👏 Jobs.
I’ll give you a hint—I’m very excited to work for my new boss. I have the feeling she will help me grow in ways I never imagined. Here’s to the next great adventure!
What it means
Excitement in my life is non-existent, so I’m pretending that changing jobs deserves some kind of reveal, like those people who won’t tell you the name or gender of their baby until it’s born, as if they aren’t just going to name that child Willow anyway. We cultivate mystery in this life wherever we can!
In these next two weeks, like myself, you will be thinking about me nonstop. What will her next job be? you will wonder as you drift off at night, the stars as your nightlight. As a matter of fact, I will spend the next two weeks checking this post to see if you have liked or commented.
Oh, and if you couldn’t already tell, I’m starting my own motivational coaching business! What I don’t yet know is that work-life balance as a small business owner is not a thing!
What it says
I’m back at work today after six months of maternity leave. This time with baby Cassiopeia has been something I will never forget. We are now a family of four!! I’m so thankful for my Startup Dragon family for making parental leave possible.
What it means
When I had my last child, they gave me two weeks unpaid leave. When I got back, they had moved my desk to the boiler room and given my job to a teenaged boy named Wolffe. My episiotomy stitches hadn’t even healed yet. If you’re wondering which company I’m talking about, just look at the age of my kids, then look at my work history. You do the math.
What it says
My boss offered me a $3,000,000 per year raise.
I said no.
I had had this same conversation with him at least a dozen times.
My work was just too good, they told me. I deserved to make more money.
“You’re crazy to turn down this opportunity,” he said.
“You don’t get it, do you?” I replied. “The job has never been about the money to me. It’s about doing something that has a real impact on people’s lives.”
My boss stood there, dumbfounded.
“You’ll never work in artisan spoon carving again,” he said.
He had never considered that spending hours carving tiny $45 spoons with an even tinier $100 spoon is not just a job for me, it’s a lifestyle. A mission.
“This is a mistake you will always regret.”
I walked out…
And I never looked back.
What it means
This is a reasonable
Way to tell stories, right?
I’m unfamiliar with poetic form
So I guess line breaks can be placed anywhere
As long as they build tension,
I think.
But let’s be honest,
If someone offered me a $3,000,000 raise,
I’d give them my best limbs.
Hell, I’d saw off a foot
for $30,000.
Emily McCrary-Ruiz-Esparza writes about workplace culture, DEI, and hiring. Her work has appeared in Fast Company, From Day One, and InHerSight, among others.
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